You're probably right this time, but I don't even care.

Tonight was a bust.

Got a call from Terry around 9. Took a shower, headed over to his parents' house (where he's currently living because Ryan and Crystal's lease is up next month) and we watched some tv and he played me some guitar. I decide I'm famished and am going to B'fish to grab some food and AMPM so I can pick up some Rockstars and smokes for Terry. Go run my errands, and I'm almost halfway back to his house when he calls and says his dad doesn't want anyone over.

We're too fucking old for this shit. I swear to christ. I understand it's his dad's house and all, but we weren't even going to leave Terry's room.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just spoiled in that respect 'cause mom and Terry don't usually give a shit who's over here so long as they're quiet. But then again, I don't usually have people over because I don't even have a bedroom.

And now I want to reflect on some bullshit. Heh. So Terry and I were watching this episode of King of Queens where dude is obsessed with finding out why his co-worker doesn't seem to like him, and his wife is doing the same thing, but no one at her work likes her. The whole episode revolved around this 'dilemma'.

I started thinking... are people really like that? Are people really consumed with shit like that? Is there something wrong with me because I don't think about stuff like that... EVER? Is that what 'normal' people stress about? Am I selfish because I don't care what other people think of me, or am I selfish because I only think about myself? Am I an apathetic pile of shit because I don't relate to this mediocre sitcom? HEH! No, really. I seriously was thinking that. For the last couple hours.

But then I guess I'm more consumed with trying to figure out why I'm attempting to drink myself to death. And then that leading to a whole other string of thoughts that don't ever stop. And then bludgeoning the thoughts to death with a bottle of booze. And, ya know, trying to figure out why everyone I know is making more money than me in actual careers. Why I'm still sleeping on a couch after a year and a half. Why the love of my life doesn't love himself as much as I love him. WhyIdon't love myself as much as everyone else seems to. Do they really love me, or do they love me because I'm a doormat?

I hate my brain.

Eh. Fuck sitcoms. People who relate to sitcoms are the same people who take anything Oprah says as gospel.

...is this what Terry's talking about when he says his brain doesn't ever stop? Do I have that too, only I never realized it 'causemythought process is the only one I'll ever know? Have I always been this way?

I think I'm going crazy. I really, truly mean this. I keep thinking in circles. Acting in circles. The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been doing that for years. I don't know what I'm doing, or even what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm so fucking lost.