God, I'm fucked up.

I'm feeling super unhappy with my life at the moment. Not like, "OMG I wanna cut my wrists", but very, very unsatisfied. I'm not even sure how it got to this point.

1. I can't seem to stop drinking. When I come home, I'm fine. That's why I've been trying to stay here lately, but it really doesn't help that the party house is like five minutes away from my work. And after four beers all my problems go away for a little while.

2. When I drink, it's very easy for people to talk me into buying them shit. Beer, smokes, drugs, you name it. Or even letting them drive my car somewhere to go get it. I have under $10 to last me until Friday.

3. I keep doing drugs. I've taken bombs probably about 20 times in the last two months and I've done coke twice in the last week. I can't even count how many times I've smoked pot. And I won't get into the whole crushing up vicodin and snorting it thing...

4. I keep sleeping with someone who is completely unavailable and I'm growing more and more attached to him. I wouldn't say that I'm 'in love', but I am quite fond of him. It's a very, very nasty situation. I wish I could go more into this one, but I am really fucking ashamed of myself.

...I guess it really doesn't help that he strings me along and tells me he loves me and hints at 'the future'. I should be fucking smarter than this but my heart is retarded and gullible as shit and beats my brain into submission.

5. I keep thinking about Terry at the same time. I miss the fuck out of him, but I know when I call him he'll probe me about my life and he'll think I'm fucking tragic because he's completely sober now. Talk about a complete fucking role-reversal overnight.

I fucking hate this. The only thing I have to look forward to right now is my surgery, which should be happening within the next three weeks. Partly because I won't be in agony anymore and partly because I know I'm gonna be doped up on painkillers on my Gramma's couch for about a week afterward. Heh. But then after I get my dentures I'll feel beautiful again. I keep hoping that that's gonna change all this. I know it won't, but I keep thinking that.

How did all this happen so fast?