I used to think life's a bitter pill, but it's a grand ol' time...

I really hope Firefox doesn't crash while I'm writing. John's computer is wonky and shit crashes on it all the time. BAH.

I just got through reading blogs from the most tragic period of my life to date (Dec. 2008-February 2009). Heh. How fucking enlightening. I think I needed to look back and remember exactly how I was feeling and all the bullshit that came along with all that to really realize why I don't want to drink anymore.

You guys. I was seriously fucked up. Everyone looks at me and says, "Oh, look at Bre. She's such a fucking drunk. It's hilarious." It's not. I think I was seriously trying to kill myself with booze for not only that period, but for the past year or so. And I HATE that people are always going to look at me that way.

"Oh, she's just drunk. Blah blah blah."

"Bre's hungover again. Big surprise."

And even worse, I continually run into people I can't remember or find names in my phone's address book that I don't recall at all. They remember the fuck out of me, though. It's like this alternate personality comes out when I'm hammered. I'm outgoing. I talk to everyone. I'm loud and witty and obnoxious.

Or, everyone sees me that way because they're just as drunk as I was. Really, I'm sure I'm a stumbling idiot. I don't want to be known that way. And I REALLY don't want to keep getting wasted and pushing everyone I love away, Which I think might have happened one night in Stanwood a couple weeks ago. I don't remember that night really at all and I'm terrified of what I might have said. All I remember are snippets of a fucking PATHETIC arguement about the color of a friend's car.

I don't want to be that way anymore. So far, I'm doing good. It's been almost two weeks since my last drink and I've been feeling so fucking amazing. I'm eating very well; I LOOK about ten times better; I'm doing an amazing job at work (my DM apparently said I'm 'the best worker in the store'); I'm trying to make time for my friends, which is still difficult, but at least I'm REALLY putting forth an effort now; Terry and I have been fucking crazy about each other (even more than when we FIRST started dating, if that's even possible) and haven't been bottling up our issues and blowing up on each other; I'm buying things I want/renovating my car INSTEAD of buying cases of beer, half-gallons of booze and cocktails; AND I don't feel like fucking SHIT every day when I wake up. Each day has felt like it's full of possibilities instead of full of dreariness and me just existing until I can have my next drink and make an ass out of myself.

I'm tired of hurting everyone around me and I'm tired of hurting MYSELF. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I have people in my life who love me for who I actually am and I don't want to throw that away. I have the most wonderful man in my life and the only reason we haven't worked out before is because we were both wasted 24/7. That's not the case anymore. There is something completely amazing and real between us and I can't let that go just for a stupid fucking drink that's just going to make me into a babbling idiot for an hour or two. I'm doing this for us, and I'm doing this for ME. No fucking buzz feels as good as being truly, madly in love does. I wish I could have realized that much sooner.

For those of you who are still drinking, I just want to add that I'm not going to judge you for your decisions. I'M just not going to drink anymore. I'm not going to preach at you or be a 'drag'. I'm just trying to learn how to dance and sing and LIVE without being in a haze all the time. You guys might be able to have one drink and then stop. I CAN'T. I don't know why, and I'm trying to find out. I'm still Bre, just without the stumbling and arguing about nonsense and crying for no reason. Sounds much more pleasant to me, heh!