HOLY SHITFUCK, BALLS!

Crazy motherfucking past week. Gather ’round, childrens.

Wednesday: Random-ass rapid HIV test with Mike after work. WE’RE HIV NEGATIVE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Went to Phinickey’s with Chelsey to celebrate. Went back to Mike’s, went to sleep.

Thursday: Day off. Woke up around 8-ish, went back to get tested for STDs. HEH. Results are still pending, but I’m not worried about it. Then Mike’s car broke down at 7-Eleven on Colby and Pacific. Had some guy try to jump the battery. Didn’t work. Called mom, she showed up and took Mike to Interstate Battery to have them test the battery. It was fine. So we concluded that his alarm system is just in a constant state of eff and goes haywire and thinks it’s being stolen at random. Which is lame. Anyway. So we got Toshi’s and had a picnic in mom’s car. Terry showed up after a while. Heh. Waited with them until Mike’s step-dad showed up with his tow truck and towed the car back to Silvana. Took his Gramma’s truck to Capitol Hill, went to Urban Outfitters, Castle, American Apparel and then ended up at this leather daddy bar where I was THE ONLY female in the entire place. It was awesome. Had the most potent AMF ever created. Got a call from his friend Melissa, stopped by Dick’s real quick-like, met up with her at her bar in south Everett, then went to this totally awesome dive with her in Lynnwood called One Eyed Jack’s. We got. Fucking. Annihilated. I believe I had a jager bomb, a beer and two lemon drops. WASTED. But I never got sick! After last call Mike found a ’dead hooker bracelet’ on the ground by some bushes he was peeing on. HEH. It’s glorious and turquoise. Went to Denny’s and met some badass people and ended up sitting and talking with them for the rest of our meals. Passed out drunk on the drive back to Mike’s.

Friday: Day off. Went to work to pick up my paycheck. Mike has the glory of direct deposit *shakes fist* Bought some clothes, cashed my check, picked up Pepper from work, drove to Bellevue for the first time EVER. I’ve been there before, but I’d never driven 405 ever. So that was exciting. Went to Bellevue Square, bought some Daredevils from the real Guess, bought some Lip Venom and some sort of anti-frizz product from Sephora, bought Doom a little plush Hello Kitty with a panda hood from the Sanrio store. Fucking. Adorable. Had some trouble getting back on 405, took 520 back to Seattle (which was horrifying for some reason), stopped at Dick’s to meet up with Kiera and Mike’s friend Nate. The plan was to go to some rave or some shit, but I was pretty uncomfortable with the idea so we ended up at the Noc Noc. Changed clothes in my car on the side of 2nd Ave. HEH. But Neurotica was amazing and I’m officially in love with the red-headed emcee. I didn’t catch her name. Even Mike said he’d go straight for her. And I think it was only 25% drunkeness. Which really says a lot about her hotness. Heh. After the dancers were all done for the night Mike started going crazy on the dance floor, did one of his infamous power-slides and ripped one of his favorite pairs of jeans from the crotch all the way down the leg. He then grabbed the jeans he bought from work earlier and proceded to change into them. On the sidewalk. On 2nd Ave. It was nuts. I was fucking wasted and two AMFs in, so Mike drove my car to Neighbours and we danced all the booze off. We were on the stage and Mike was making out with some random guy and the Nate guy was grinding on Kiera and I, but meh. Too drunk to care. HEH. Kiera, Pepper and Nate ended up taking off with some guys they met and Mike drove my car home with me passed the fuck out in the passenger seat.

Saturday: Worked noon-8. Met up with Chelsey in the Kohl’s/Ross parking lot after work and she followed us back to Mike’s so we could pile in his car and do the Stanwood circuit. Stopped at the Silvana Tavern, had a jager bomb. Went to Blazing Saddles, decided not to drink there. Crossed the street to The Hotel, had a jager bomb and a beer. Went to Amigo’s, had an AMF and a Black Opal. BAD IDEA. WASTED. Some girl brought her guy friend over and he tried hitting on me and Chelsey. Actually, I was Chelsey and she was Bre. HEEEHHHH!!! His friend then came up and very loudly asked, "So, are you getting some pussy tonight?" and Chelsey came back with something very snide and awesome and very... Chelsey. Heh. The guy then asked Mike if he was gay. Which is the DUMBEST QUESTION EVER. He responded with "Probably," and walked out. I followed him. I don’t remember this much. Chelsey came out a second later in tears because she was wasted and the guys kept calling Mike a faggot or some shit. We then peed behind the building and Mike drove home. I passed out. Puked about 5 times in Mike’s driveway. He carried me in and plopped me on his bed. I said I had to puke again, so I hauled ass into the bathroom and puked a shitload more. Mike set up a bed for me in the bathtub with his old futon mattress, plopped me in it, and I puked again. Passed out in my own vomit. YAY!

Sunday: Day off. THANK GOD. Faded in and out all morning, finally moved when I got paranoid that people were gonna want to use the bathroom and passed out in Mike’s bed. Woke up at like 2-3pm with the worst hangover ever. We got up and met up with Jessie, Harley and Harley’s new roommate and some other guy at Boston’s. The food cured me. Heh. Had some Coldstone afterward, went to Linens and Things so Mike could buy a bedset for his new bed, went to Target, then went and checked out Jessie’s new apartment. Which I am in love with and I want to move into that complex SO BAD. GUH. Watched some Sex and the City, went back to Mike’s, went home, got a call from Terry, drove to the island, had a very seriously needed talk (we’re officially ’on a break’ until this whole treatment thing is over) and listened to his new demo in my car, drove home at like 11:30 and went to bed.

HOLY HELL.

EFF!

So that was an effing letdown. Mike and I went to Hunter Place to check out vacancies and brought Chelsey along. There aren't any. FUCK. I really really fucking want to live there. Plus rent went up and it's like $825-$850. Lame. Gonna have to cruise Marysville a little more thoroughly, I guess :/

Work was great until like 20 minutes before I was supposed to leave. Shelby uncovered this document that said I had to do shoe transfers. LAST WEEK. So I had to go through all these boxes of mated shoes without their own boxes and find a TON of these damn things. Plus I had to clear two effing shelves on my wall of these heinous sneakers that never sell. So getting rid of those was a relief, but the rest of it. Madness. Then we had to process like 6 boxes of these transfers so they would be ready to ship by tomorrow and we didn't get out until like 3:30-ish. An hour and a half after we were supposed to leave. UGH. Trevor popped up in the middle of all this out of nowhere. Weird.

Random factoid of the week: I'm cutting beef out of my diet. Which won't be hard 'cause it's seemed really fucking unappealing to me lately. So ummm... yay.

I need a shower.

Fucking hell.

I feel really, really sick. Like I'm literally going to vomit in a few.

Yesterday after work, Mike, Pepper and I were sitting in my car 'cause we were feeling grouse (running off two hours of sleep) and didn't want to go anywhere, really. Out of nowhere we saw Christine walk by and head toward Juicy. Since this was the first time I've EVER seen her without Sarah attached to her hip, we started calling out to her. No response until Mike yelled "BLUE!" and I waved to her. She turned around and gave us a confused look and just kept walking. I don't know what the hell I ever did to her. Seriously. But that whole thing just added to this snowball I had going 'cause I fucking broke down at work again yesterday.

This has to stop.

Got home at around 5:30 last night and immediately passed out. Woke up at 2am. Yay.

I'm gonna go puke or something.

"I just wanna take your face... and fuck it."

I officially need to quit blowing money 'cause I think Mike-sir and I need to get a place. Yep. Save up a little more money, get my tax return and it's apartment time. Already have a complex in mind and everything. And Jessi and Ty are moving in there. It's gonna be amazing and I'll be able to bring my Yeti and everything.

I'm hopeful. Yes.

Ummm... yesterday we got off work, took the girls to El Diamante and then I went home, did my hair and makeup and promptly passed out on the couch. Heh. Woke up after about an hour, went to Mike's, then left my car and took his to Kiera's. Drank some lemonade and Stoli, watched the Blonde Ambition Tour on Tivo, passed out. Falling asleep to my Zune on shuffle is strange and definitely not advised. HEH.

Other than all that... I'm doing much better. I've quit being defensive. Quit asking myself, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" and I've accepted the fact that this needs to happen. Terry needs to better himself and I don't want to be a hinderance in any way.

I'm still gonna miss him horribly, though. "If you love something, let it go..."

Well. I should go shower or something.

I miss you so far. And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard.

Doing a little better. Not much. Still in agony, but it's quieted down for the most part. Mornings are the worst, but after a few hours I return to normal.

...ish.

I've been trying to fill some void with clothes and shit. Heh. I've bought so much shit in the past few days. It's disgusting, really. I'm really excited about the Heelys. I haven't even really attempted to wheel around in them yet though 'cause I'm terrified of busting my face open. Awesome. Found a replacement for my old lightning bolt necklace I lost at Robin and Chino's months ago. Got some flip flops. Teeny shorts and a top from work. A fifth of Stoli. Ya know, shit. Mike and I had Kimchi's for lunch today and went into El Diamante and Love Zone (a.k.a. "doin' the International District of Marysville"). Heh. I effing love El Diamante. I get the most badass bras ever for like $4 a pop. Got three today.

...not that I have anyone to wear said badass bras for anymore.

Anyhow. Put up some pictures from casino night with 'the girls'. They're highly entertaining. Go lookie and pee a little.

I feel really restless. I dunno what the shit to do. I brought a chai Monster home for mom and now she's already done all the dishes, my laundry, her laundry, and swept the entire front half of the house. HEH! I dunno. Maybe when my Zune finishes charging I'll go out and do something. Get a tattoo? I've really been meaning to do that and I have the money. Hmmmm. I'm just paranoid it's gonna take a while to draw up and I don't really wanna wait. I want it NOW. And, ya know, I don't wanna go alone. That would be lameface.

Ugh. I dunno.

Never again, they gave us two shots to the back of the head and we’re all dead now.

June 4, 2007 - March 3, 2008

Over. Just like that. Disposable, just like always. I don't know why I thought this time would be different. It's always the same. It always fucking hurts the same. I was kidding myself when I seemed to take it okay yesterday and set the picture of him I had in my car on fire and proceded to blow $100 of 'our' apartment savings. Woke up this morning in tears, drove to work in tears, bawled in the bathroom twice, drove home in tears.

I honest to fucking GOD thought he was it. He was IT. We had a future and a house with a studio and kids and pets in my head. I NEVER HAD THOSE THOUGHTS BEFORE. From being persistent as shit coming over and calling and texting me, BEGGING me to be with him to "Bre, I don't wanna date you anymore. I don't have time for a relationship right now and I don't wanna see you anymore anyway" in the fucking blink of an eye. Or so it seemed to me, anyway. And how he made it seem so... meaningless. It fucking KILLED me inside. 'I don't wanna date you anymore'? As far as I knew, this wasn't a casual fucking fling. Last time I checked, you were planning on fucking MARRYING me. Then nothing? Just like that?

"Bre, you're so pretty. Just give me a chance. I know you can probably be poopy, and I know I can be pretty poopy, but don't break my heart. I feel so good when I'm around you."

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THIS?!? I kept my promise, but it's okay for you to just THROW MY FUCKING HEART IN A GODDAMN MEAT GRINDER LIKE THIS?!?! I may have been fucking wasted at the time, but I memorized every goddamn syllable because that was the first time anyone ever truly made my heart melt. And now nothing. Just like that. Who fucking BAILED YOU OUT OF JAIL with all the goddamn money in her bank account because she wasn't gonna let you fucking sit there in Coupeville? ME. And I would do it a million times over, because I'm SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU ASSHOLE! And nothing EVER changed on my end! Not even now!

Over. Just like that. Today would have marked nine months.

Text message dated May 30th, 2007: "Why do girls find it necessary to play games with me? My fucking feelers have had it."

Fuck you. You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.

Wear out your shoes by kicking everyone’s ass ALL THE TIME.

Kyle just took off in his new truck. Dear god.

Gotta leave for work in like 30 minutes. Guh. I'm afraid. Closing last night wasn't bad at all, but tonight is gonna suck, I feel. THEEEENNN Mike and I are heading up to Bellingham with Whitney to go party with Korkey at a gay bar. YAY. I'm excited.

So this morning was pfffttt. Woke up at Kiera's at 11-ish, took off to the Shell station for Monsters, went to the bank to cash my check, now I'm home. Gotta get changed and put on muh face.