As the weeks go by, it seems more and more people keep trying to turn Terry and I against each other. This time it's the roommates.
Again, the LAST PEOPLE I would expect to try and fuck with us.
Yeah, we've got shit to deal with. Nothing's always perfect, but we're dealing with it. That doesn't mean you get to try and pry it out of someone, rile them up about it and DRIVE THEM TO DRINK AGAIN, and all the while sit and talk shit about how crazy you think I am and that you think I have fucking ulterior motives in my relationship. FUCK YOU. The thing is, our problems are OURS. They're NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. Are you really so fucking bored with your lives that you have to try and stir up drama to keep entertained? This is fucking bullshit. We are NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE.
It's official. I have like five true fucking friends left. Apparently everyone else just keeps me around for some sick sort of entertainment. And what I'm just now realizing is that since I'm not getting wasted and making a spectacle out of MYSELF anymore, they want to go ahead and do it for me.
I. AM. DONE.
Who the fuck is gonna be next? Might as well get the fucking heartbreak out of the way NOW.
This place was supposed to be a safe haven, but now I can't even stand to be in the same room as you two anymore. FUCK.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The customer is always EFFED.
This is why I hate working at the outlet mall--
Yesterday this middle-aged asian guy comes in and tells me he 'forgot' to use his VIP coupon book when he made his purchase. Our deal in the coupon book is that you spend $100 pre-tax and get $25 off your purchase. I check his receipt to make sure he spent over $100 (he had spent $200) then totally forgot how much drama we see from this kind of shit and refer him to my supervisor, Michael ('cause I can't do returns), who gets exploded upon.
Here's the deal. VERY OFTEN, we get big spenders who come in and buy $100 or more worth of shit, then LATER they find out about the VIP book, go buy it in the food court, then come back and say they 'forgot' to use it. Our policy is that you present it AT THE TIME OF PURCHASE. But EVERYONE who gets denied this $25 off freaks the fuck out and we have to give it to them anyway because they threaten to turn us in to everyone under the sun. So we have to call the DM for approval, let them return all their shit and buy it back with the coupon.
This guy freaks out, returns his shit and then LEAVES even though Michael was gonna let him buy it all back with the discount. So Michael re-sensors everything and puts most of it back. Then two women I'm assuming are his wife and daughter come back in, ask him to find everything he just put away, tell him he's being ridiculous and that he's a RETARD, demand his name (so they can turn him in? To WHO?!?!), then flip out because they mis-counted the items and thought there were only 6 things being rung up when there were SEVEN ALL ALONG. Then they're satisfied and leave.
Here's a choice tidbit from their exchange of words:
"What's your name?"
"Michael *****"
*tries to pronounce it* "What?"
"Michael *****. Would you like me to write it down?"
"No, I have a BLACKBERRY." *waves the phone around*
OH. MY. GOD. My broke-ass BOYFRIEND AND EVERYONE I KNOW HAS A BLACKBERRY! You think that's some kind of status symbol? HAAAA!!!
People are fucking crazy. I really, REALLY loathe them. Like, people LITERALLY come into this mall to start shit with associates who only make minimum wage or just over that. Do you hate us because we're so much lower than you? Because we try to adhere to COMPANY POLICIES BECAUSE IT'S OUR GODDAMN JOB? These people think we're trying to fuck with them or something. They forget that we have little-to-no control over anything. There's a big fucking boss over our heads, just like you have. Idiots. The only difference is that we're doing all this for slave wages and WE don't get to go out and blow $200 in one store on fucking clothes.
EVERYONE REMEMBER: RETAIL IS FULL OF LIES AND MISLEADING ADVERTISING. IT'S CALLED 'MERCHANDISING'. Corporations just want your fucking money. Plain and simple. We don't see ANY of it.
Before that, however, I had this cute little mexican lady come in and buy a shitload of fragrance gift sets and tshirts for her boss and family. She made a mess of everything, but at least it was while we were slow as eff and she was sweet and brought us up over day. Heh.
Fuck my retail life, though. I really get sick of it exponentially as the years go by. I really don't want a job that makes me jaded and angry and unable to relax until like 30 minutes after I come home. BAH. How most of you put up with it with a smile on your face for YEARS, I have no idea. But kudos to all of you.
Yesterday this middle-aged asian guy comes in and tells me he 'forgot' to use his VIP coupon book when he made his purchase. Our deal in the coupon book is that you spend $100 pre-tax and get $25 off your purchase. I check his receipt to make sure he spent over $100 (he had spent $200) then totally forgot how much drama we see from this kind of shit and refer him to my supervisor, Michael ('cause I can't do returns), who gets exploded upon.
Here's the deal. VERY OFTEN, we get big spenders who come in and buy $100 or more worth of shit, then LATER they find out about the VIP book, go buy it in the food court, then come back and say they 'forgot' to use it. Our policy is that you present it AT THE TIME OF PURCHASE. But EVERYONE who gets denied this $25 off freaks the fuck out and we have to give it to them anyway because they threaten to turn us in to everyone under the sun. So we have to call the DM for approval, let them return all their shit and buy it back with the coupon.
This guy freaks out, returns his shit and then LEAVES even though Michael was gonna let him buy it all back with the discount. So Michael re-sensors everything and puts most of it back. Then two women I'm assuming are his wife and daughter come back in, ask him to find everything he just put away, tell him he's being ridiculous and that he's a RETARD, demand his name (so they can turn him in? To WHO?!?!), then flip out because they mis-counted the items and thought there were only 6 things being rung up when there were SEVEN ALL ALONG. Then they're satisfied and leave.
Here's a choice tidbit from their exchange of words:
"What's your name?"
"Michael *****"
*tries to pronounce it* "What?"
"Michael *****. Would you like me to write it down?"
"No, I have a BLACKBERRY." *waves the phone around*
OH. MY. GOD. My broke-ass BOYFRIEND AND EVERYONE I KNOW HAS A BLACKBERRY! You think that's some kind of status symbol? HAAAA!!!
People are fucking crazy. I really, REALLY loathe them. Like, people LITERALLY come into this mall to start shit with associates who only make minimum wage or just over that. Do you hate us because we're so much lower than you? Because we try to adhere to COMPANY POLICIES BECAUSE IT'S OUR GODDAMN JOB? These people think we're trying to fuck with them or something. They forget that we have little-to-no control over anything. There's a big fucking boss over our heads, just like you have. Idiots. The only difference is that we're doing all this for slave wages and WE don't get to go out and blow $200 in one store on fucking clothes.
EVERYONE REMEMBER: RETAIL IS FULL OF LIES AND MISLEADING ADVERTISING. IT'S CALLED 'MERCHANDISING'. Corporations just want your fucking money. Plain and simple. We don't see ANY of it.
Before that, however, I had this cute little mexican lady come in and buy a shitload of fragrance gift sets and tshirts for her boss and family. She made a mess of everything, but at least it was while we were slow as eff and she was sweet and brought us up over day. Heh.
Fuck my retail life, though. I really get sick of it exponentially as the years go by. I really don't want a job that makes me jaded and angry and unable to relax until like 30 minutes after I come home. BAH. How most of you put up with it with a smile on your face for YEARS, I have no idea. But kudos to all of you.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
On a lighter note...
Now that I've got that off my chest, I should probably do a life update. Heh.
Still sober. It's been something like a month. I'm trying not to get too crazy about keeping track of my progress, 'cause every time I've obsessively tracked days/months/whathaveyou, I've fallen off the wagon shortly after. Who knows why. No AA, no nothing. Just me and Terry's support and love of each other, keeping reminders in the back of my head of exactly why I don't want to be drunk, finding fun stuff to do that doesn't involve drinking/bars and A LOT OF SEX. It helps a lot more than you'd think. And with that said, not only the quantity, but the quality of that area itself has improved leaps and bounds. Holy. Fucking. Hell. Fuck drunk sex, you guys.
We've been tanning lately. I think we've gone a grand total of four times in the medium-pressure beds and we're already dark as fuck. I've never in my life seen every inch of my skin this dark and it's nuts. My stomach, lower back, upper thighs and ass have been white (well, as white as a white-mexican gets, I guess, heh!) my whole life. It's a new experience, heh! I'm gonna go on Thursday to even out my sides and then I'll take some bikini pictures. Heh. 'Cause I'm just crazy-dark.
I guess the only things that are still bad right now are the smoking, energy drinks (drinking Wired from the dollar store until I get paid, which sucks 'cause they have high-fructose corn syrup in them. Monsters and Rockstars don't have that and I cut it out of my diet a LONG time ago.) and the tanning. Not gonna get crazy about that last one, though. Just trying to even my skin out 'cause I can. Gonna go two more times and then maintain it once a week or so.
Next month Terry and I are gonna start yoga. There's this studio in a barn in Island Crossing that does yoga, pilates and bellydancing. I'm thinking I'll start the yoga and then take bellydancing sometime in October. Should be fun.
There's also been talk of a road trip to Palm Desert sometime this fall. Terry has family down there he hasn't seen in a long time. I'm really hoping that pans out. And everyone knows I love a road trip. Gotta start saving some cash.
Work has been pretty lame. I'm thankful to have a job and everything, but I really get tired of the retail environment. Especially in that goddamn mall. I need something that's a little more challenging and... certain. Not to mention a higher wage. Heh. Everyone always tells me to slow down 'cause I work too goddamn hard, but I don't feel like I am at all. I hate not being busy and having to create things to do. And I sure as hell am not just gonna stand around. If I'm at work, there should be WORK to be done, ya know? I'm not gonna be one of those people who gets paid to stand behind a cashwrap all day. Besides, when you're not doing anything, your shift just fucking CRAWLS. I swear, if I'm not a supervisor within a couple months...
Other than all that, not much is going on. Just cleaning house and working and driving (and humping, heh!). My birthday is just over two weeks away. I wanna do something epic, as I always want to every year, but I don't think much is going on. Bumbershoot is on my brithday weekend, but the only good bands are playing Sunday and Monday. BAH. And it doesn't look that great anyhow. Just Yeah Yeah Yeahs on Sunday, Black Eyed Peas, Franz Ferdinand, Metric and Modest Mouse on Monday. Hmmmm.
I'll find something. Be it a show or tattoos or something.
Anyhow. I think I'm gonna go do some more laundry. Yusss.
Still sober. It's been something like a month. I'm trying not to get too crazy about keeping track of my progress, 'cause every time I've obsessively tracked days/months/whathaveyou, I've fallen off the wagon shortly after. Who knows why. No AA, no nothing. Just me and Terry's support and love of each other, keeping reminders in the back of my head of exactly why I don't want to be drunk, finding fun stuff to do that doesn't involve drinking/bars and A LOT OF SEX. It helps a lot more than you'd think. And with that said, not only the quantity, but the quality of that area itself has improved leaps and bounds. Holy. Fucking. Hell. Fuck drunk sex, you guys.
We've been tanning lately. I think we've gone a grand total of four times in the medium-pressure beds and we're already dark as fuck. I've never in my life seen every inch of my skin this dark and it's nuts. My stomach, lower back, upper thighs and ass have been white (well, as white as a white-mexican gets, I guess, heh!) my whole life. It's a new experience, heh! I'm gonna go on Thursday to even out my sides and then I'll take some bikini pictures. Heh. 'Cause I'm just crazy-dark.
I guess the only things that are still bad right now are the smoking, energy drinks (drinking Wired from the dollar store until I get paid, which sucks 'cause they have high-fructose corn syrup in them. Monsters and Rockstars don't have that and I cut it out of my diet a LONG time ago.) and the tanning. Not gonna get crazy about that last one, though. Just trying to even my skin out 'cause I can. Gonna go two more times and then maintain it once a week or so.
Next month Terry and I are gonna start yoga. There's this studio in a barn in Island Crossing that does yoga, pilates and bellydancing. I'm thinking I'll start the yoga and then take bellydancing sometime in October. Should be fun.
There's also been talk of a road trip to Palm Desert sometime this fall. Terry has family down there he hasn't seen in a long time. I'm really hoping that pans out. And everyone knows I love a road trip. Gotta start saving some cash.
Work has been pretty lame. I'm thankful to have a job and everything, but I really get tired of the retail environment. Especially in that goddamn mall. I need something that's a little more challenging and... certain. Not to mention a higher wage. Heh. Everyone always tells me to slow down 'cause I work too goddamn hard, but I don't feel like I am at all. I hate not being busy and having to create things to do. And I sure as hell am not just gonna stand around. If I'm at work, there should be WORK to be done, ya know? I'm not gonna be one of those people who gets paid to stand behind a cashwrap all day. Besides, when you're not doing anything, your shift just fucking CRAWLS. I swear, if I'm not a supervisor within a couple months...
Other than all that, not much is going on. Just cleaning house and working and driving (and humping, heh!). My birthday is just over two weeks away. I wanna do something epic, as I always want to every year, but I don't think much is going on. Bumbershoot is on my brithday weekend, but the only good bands are playing Sunday and Monday. BAH. And it doesn't look that great anyhow. Just Yeah Yeah Yeahs on Sunday, Black Eyed Peas, Franz Ferdinand, Metric and Modest Mouse on Monday. Hmmmm.
I'll find something. Be it a show or tattoos or something.
Anyhow. I think I'm gonna go do some more laundry. Yusss.
Goodbye, doormat Bre.
So it's been an interesting and painful past couple weeks. My relationship with Terry has been tested with sobriety, jealousy, and ultimately betrayal by a girl I thought was an extremely good friend. Turns out she's just as bad, if not WORSE than all the other people I've kicked to to curb over the years. I saw all the signs, heard everything everyone was saying about her for the last 4 years, but thought that somehow *I* would be different. That she actually cared about me. Nope. Just another goddamn doormat to wipe her filthy stilettos on.
I'm really going to have to start being more careful. All these 'friendships' have been exactly the same. I'll admit, I'm very, very attracted to super-outspoken, outgoing, ambitious and slightly obnoxious people because I wish *I* could be more like that. But they all tend to covet everything I have and fuck me over in the end. That's done with. And I'm really going to stop being such a passive fuck. ESPECIALLY if someone flirts with/says inappropriate things to my man. I used to think there was no logical reason for me to flip out on people for this, but I guess there really is. He's MINE. He's with ME. NOT YOU. I think it's really sad that there are some people out there who have to be reminded of this. Just because you can't have him doesn't mean you can get a little taste by using sexual innuendo and jumping all over him. Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I can't see that you're throwing yourself at MY MAN with thoughts in your head of fucking the shit out of him with no fucking regard to my goddamn feelings? How the fuck would YOU feel if you saw the same thing happening in front of you? Wait, you already KNOW how that feels.
We've been tested and we've SURVIVED. And NO ONE is going to fuck this up for us. NO ONE.
Us: WIN.
You: FAIL. For coveting something that's not yours and almost destroying it EXACTLY the way the same thing was destroyed for you.
Goodbye.
I'm really going to have to start being more careful. All these 'friendships' have been exactly the same. I'll admit, I'm very, very attracted to super-outspoken, outgoing, ambitious and slightly obnoxious people because I wish *I* could be more like that. But they all tend to covet everything I have and fuck me over in the end. That's done with. And I'm really going to stop being such a passive fuck. ESPECIALLY if someone flirts with/says inappropriate things to my man. I used to think there was no logical reason for me to flip out on people for this, but I guess there really is. He's MINE. He's with ME. NOT YOU. I think it's really sad that there are some people out there who have to be reminded of this. Just because you can't have him doesn't mean you can get a little taste by using sexual innuendo and jumping all over him. Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I can't see that you're throwing yourself at MY MAN with thoughts in your head of fucking the shit out of him with no fucking regard to my goddamn feelings? How the fuck would YOU feel if you saw the same thing happening in front of you? Wait, you already KNOW how that feels.
We've been tested and we've SURVIVED. And NO ONE is going to fuck this up for us. NO ONE.
Us: WIN.
You: FAIL. For coveting something that's not yours and almost destroying it EXACTLY the way the same thing was destroyed for you.
Goodbye.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Incidental Mac user...?
Is this damn thing gonna let me blog?
...YAY! IT IS!!! I can't figure out why the cursor moves like death in the Myspace and Twitter update fields, but not on Facebook and not while I'm blogging here. GAH. I actually had to install a Firefox add-on to post to Twitter 'cause it was just waaaayyyy too slow otherwise and I can't run Twitter apps because of the lack of Adobe AIR.
Backstory. John's Dell was about to explode. Heh. It kept crashing every couple of minutes and it was annoying as fuck. Terry got fed up and moved his Mac (his recording studio, really) from John and Moe's walk-in closet to the dining room and set it all up.
Now. Terry has ProTools 6.4 LE on it. That's the whole reason he even has the computer. He doesn't want to upgrade, because he'll probably have to pay hundreds of dollars. ProTools 6.4 doesn't work on a Mac OS higher than 10.3.9, which is what we're running. The problem here is that Safari was running at 56k speeds so I had to put Firefox on the damn thing. BUT I HAD TO FIND FIREFOX 2.0 'CAUSE IT WON'T RUN 3.5! We also can't run Adobe AIR or anything necessary like that. Kinda lame, but at least we're not crashing all the time.
If only we could upgrade ProTools... BAH.
Still trying to get the hang of this damn computer. I wanna free up a shitload of space (we're down to 10GB on the HD), but we're not sure what's safe to delete and whatnot 'cause there was a period where a bunch of the audio data was saving to the hard drive instead of the external drives. BAH.
Oh, clusterfuck.
Work today. CLOSING. Goddamnit. I'm closing today through Wednesday. Barely gonna see my baby 'til Thursday 'cause I'm gonna be getting home at 10 and he goes to bed at 11-ish. Eff. But then I have Thursday off and open on Friday (PAYDAY!!!!)
I should go do some laundry and take a shower. Well, after Moe gets up 'cause she works earlier than I do.
...YAY! IT IS!!! I can't figure out why the cursor moves like death in the Myspace and Twitter update fields, but not on Facebook and not while I'm blogging here. GAH. I actually had to install a Firefox add-on to post to Twitter 'cause it was just waaaayyyy too slow otherwise and I can't run Twitter apps because of the lack of Adobe AIR.
Backstory. John's Dell was about to explode. Heh. It kept crashing every couple of minutes and it was annoying as fuck. Terry got fed up and moved his Mac (his recording studio, really) from John and Moe's walk-in closet to the dining room and set it all up.
Now. Terry has ProTools 6.4 LE on it. That's the whole reason he even has the computer. He doesn't want to upgrade, because he'll probably have to pay hundreds of dollars. ProTools 6.4 doesn't work on a Mac OS higher than 10.3.9, which is what we're running. The problem here is that Safari was running at 56k speeds so I had to put Firefox on the damn thing. BUT I HAD TO FIND FIREFOX 2.0 'CAUSE IT WON'T RUN 3.5! We also can't run Adobe AIR or anything necessary like that. Kinda lame, but at least we're not crashing all the time.
If only we could upgrade ProTools... BAH.
Still trying to get the hang of this damn computer. I wanna free up a shitload of space (we're down to 10GB on the HD), but we're not sure what's safe to delete and whatnot 'cause there was a period where a bunch of the audio data was saving to the hard drive instead of the external drives. BAH.
Oh, clusterfuck.
Work today. CLOSING. Goddamnit. I'm closing today through Wednesday. Barely gonna see my baby 'til Thursday 'cause I'm gonna be getting home at 10 and he goes to bed at 11-ish. Eff. But then I have Thursday off and open on Friday (PAYDAY!!!!)
I should go do some laundry and take a shower. Well, after Moe gets up 'cause she works earlier than I do.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I used to think life's a bitter pill, but it's a grand ol' time...
I really hope Firefox doesn't crash while I'm writing. John's computer is wonky and shit crashes on it all the time. BAH.
I just got through reading blogs from the most tragic period of my life to date (Dec. 2008-February 2009). Heh. How fucking enlightening. I think I needed to look back and remember exactly how I was feeling and all the bullshit that came along with all that to really realize why I don't want to drink anymore.
You guys. I was seriously fucked up. Everyone looks at me and says, "Oh, look at Bre. She's such a fucking drunk. It's hilarious." It's not. I think I was seriously trying to kill myself with booze for not only that period, but for the past year or so. And I HATE that people are always going to look at me that way.
"Oh, she's just drunk. Blah blah blah."
"Bre's hungover again. Big surprise."
And even worse, I continually run into people I can't remember or find names in my phone's address book that I don't recall at all. They remember the fuck out of me, though. It's like this alternate personality comes out when I'm hammered. I'm outgoing. I talk to everyone. I'm loud and witty and obnoxious.
Or, everyone sees me that way because they're just as drunk as I was. Really, I'm sure I'm a stumbling idiot. I don't want to be known that way. And I REALLY don't want to keep getting wasted and pushing everyone I love away, Which I think might have happened one night in Stanwood a couple weeks ago. I don't remember that night really at all and I'm terrified of what I might have said. All I remember are snippets of a fucking PATHETIC arguement about the color of a friend's car.
I don't want to be that way anymore. So far, I'm doing good. It's been almost two weeks since my last drink and I've been feeling so fucking amazing. I'm eating very well; I LOOK about ten times better; I'm doing an amazing job at work (my DM apparently said I'm 'the best worker in the store'); I'm trying to make time for my friends, which is still difficult, but at least I'm REALLY putting forth an effort now; Terry and I have been fucking crazy about each other (even more than when we FIRST started dating, if that's even possible) and haven't been bottling up our issues and blowing up on each other; I'm buying things I want/renovating my car INSTEAD of buying cases of beer, half-gallons of booze and cocktails; AND I don't feel like fucking SHIT every day when I wake up. Each day has felt like it's full of possibilities instead of full of dreariness and me just existing until I can have my next drink and make an ass out of myself.
I'm tired of hurting everyone around me and I'm tired of hurting MYSELF. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I have people in my life who love me for who I actually am and I don't want to throw that away. I have the most wonderful man in my life and the only reason we haven't worked out before is because we were both wasted 24/7. That's not the case anymore. There is something completely amazing and real between us and I can't let that go just for a stupid fucking drink that's just going to make me into a babbling idiot for an hour or two. I'm doing this for us, and I'm doing this for ME. No fucking buzz feels as good as being truly, madly in love does. I wish I could have realized that much sooner.
For those of you who are still drinking, I just want to add that I'm not going to judge you for your decisions. I'M just not going to drink anymore. I'm not going to preach at you or be a 'drag'. I'm just trying to learn how to dance and sing and LIVE without being in a haze all the time. You guys might be able to have one drink and then stop. I CAN'T. I don't know why, and I'm trying to find out. I'm still Bre, just without the stumbling and arguing about nonsense and crying for no reason. Sounds much more pleasant to me, heh!
I just got through reading blogs from the most tragic period of my life to date (Dec. 2008-February 2009). Heh. How fucking enlightening. I think I needed to look back and remember exactly how I was feeling and all the bullshit that came along with all that to really realize why I don't want to drink anymore.
You guys. I was seriously fucked up. Everyone looks at me and says, "Oh, look at Bre. She's such a fucking drunk. It's hilarious." It's not. I think I was seriously trying to kill myself with booze for not only that period, but for the past year or so. And I HATE that people are always going to look at me that way.
"Oh, she's just drunk. Blah blah blah."
"Bre's hungover again. Big surprise."
And even worse, I continually run into people I can't remember or find names in my phone's address book that I don't recall at all. They remember the fuck out of me, though. It's like this alternate personality comes out when I'm hammered. I'm outgoing. I talk to everyone. I'm loud and witty and obnoxious.
Or, everyone sees me that way because they're just as drunk as I was. Really, I'm sure I'm a stumbling idiot. I don't want to be known that way. And I REALLY don't want to keep getting wasted and pushing everyone I love away, Which I think might have happened one night in Stanwood a couple weeks ago. I don't remember that night really at all and I'm terrified of what I might have said. All I remember are snippets of a fucking PATHETIC arguement about the color of a friend's car.
I don't want to be that way anymore. So far, I'm doing good. It's been almost two weeks since my last drink and I've been feeling so fucking amazing. I'm eating very well; I LOOK about ten times better; I'm doing an amazing job at work (my DM apparently said I'm 'the best worker in the store'); I'm trying to make time for my friends, which is still difficult, but at least I'm REALLY putting forth an effort now; Terry and I have been fucking crazy about each other (even more than when we FIRST started dating, if that's even possible) and haven't been bottling up our issues and blowing up on each other; I'm buying things I want/renovating my car INSTEAD of buying cases of beer, half-gallons of booze and cocktails; AND I don't feel like fucking SHIT every day when I wake up. Each day has felt like it's full of possibilities instead of full of dreariness and me just existing until I can have my next drink and make an ass out of myself.
I'm tired of hurting everyone around me and I'm tired of hurting MYSELF. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I have people in my life who love me for who I actually am and I don't want to throw that away. I have the most wonderful man in my life and the only reason we haven't worked out before is because we were both wasted 24/7. That's not the case anymore. There is something completely amazing and real between us and I can't let that go just for a stupid fucking drink that's just going to make me into a babbling idiot for an hour or two. I'm doing this for us, and I'm doing this for ME. No fucking buzz feels as good as being truly, madly in love does. I wish I could have realized that much sooner.
For those of you who are still drinking, I just want to add that I'm not going to judge you for your decisions. I'M just not going to drink anymore. I'm not going to preach at you or be a 'drag'. I'm just trying to learn how to dance and sing and LIVE without being in a haze all the time. You guys might be able to have one drink and then stop. I CAN'T. I don't know why, and I'm trying to find out. I'm still Bre, just without the stumbling and arguing about nonsense and crying for no reason. Sounds much more pleasant to me, heh!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
My lives this week. Heh.
Good things.
Stopped drinking. Lost 6lbs. due to eating better and NOT starving myself. Hours went up from 18 to 30 for the week. Payday is on Friday (FULL CHECK!). Haircut (well, reshaping of layers and bangs, really), shopping and half-sleeve outline this weekend. DEPECHE MODE ON MONDAY. Food benefits replenished at midnight. YAYFRUIT. Moving back into the apartment when I can find the time. Things are great with the Turr.
Bad things.
Joe got fired yesterday. Penniless until Friday (literally. Already raided most of the change in the house for$4worth of gas yesterday). $1.96 in checking. Dr. Tran is on empty. Was 20 minutes late to work yesterday 'cause I thought my shift started at 4:30. It was at 4. DM was there and will be there until Friday. He didn't care too much, though. Luckily.
I'm not affected by all this as I usually would be, though. Other than being really stressed for the first 30 minutes of work yesterday and being a tiny bit cranky when I got to the apartment last night, I'm okay. Usually I'd be freaking the fuck out at this point.
At least I have smokes. Heh. 'Cause if I didn't, I'd be hurling myself off a cliff by now.
Today I'm working 12-6. I was supposed to have the day off to go help Chev clean/pack up her apartment, but oh well. I really need these hours they're throwing at me. Badly. Plus, I missed mom completely yesterday 'cause I closed at work, so I didn't get to bum any gas money from her. And I'm still really not sure how I'm gonna manage to throw enough change together to get my ass home from work tonight. I hate scraping by. It really sucks. Turr usually helps me out a ton with gas, but he's more broke than I am right now because of rent and having to borrow money from people to pay rent. Gah. He was jipped BAD on his last check. Like, over $100. The woman in payroll at his work is a fucking RETARD. Luckily he's getting that money he was raped for on this Friday's check AND he worked a shitload of tens last week. So yay. We'll be MORE than okay on Friday.
I just want it to be Friday, already. I just wanna effing relax and do a little shopping. Gah.
Stopped drinking. Lost 6lbs. due to eating better and NOT starving myself. Hours went up from 18 to 30 for the week. Payday is on Friday (FULL CHECK!). Haircut (well, reshaping of layers and bangs, really), shopping and half-sleeve outline this weekend. DEPECHE MODE ON MONDAY. Food benefits replenished at midnight. YAYFRUIT. Moving back into the apartment when I can find the time. Things are great with the Turr.
Bad things.
Joe got fired yesterday. Penniless until Friday (literally. Already raided most of the change in the house for$4worth of gas yesterday). $1.96 in checking. Dr. Tran is on empty. Was 20 minutes late to work yesterday 'cause I thought my shift started at 4:30. It was at 4. DM was there and will be there until Friday. He didn't care too much, though. Luckily.
I'm not affected by all this as I usually would be, though. Other than being really stressed for the first 30 minutes of work yesterday and being a tiny bit cranky when I got to the apartment last night, I'm okay. Usually I'd be freaking the fuck out at this point.
At least I have smokes. Heh. 'Cause if I didn't, I'd be hurling myself off a cliff by now.
Today I'm working 12-6. I was supposed to have the day off to go help Chev clean/pack up her apartment, but oh well. I really need these hours they're throwing at me. Badly. Plus, I missed mom completely yesterday 'cause I closed at work, so I didn't get to bum any gas money from her. And I'm still really not sure how I'm gonna manage to throw enough change together to get my ass home from work tonight. I hate scraping by. It really sucks. Turr usually helps me out a ton with gas, but he's more broke than I am right now because of rent and having to borrow money from people to pay rent. Gah. He was jipped BAD on his last check. Like, over $100. The woman in payroll at his work is a fucking RETARD. Luckily he's getting that money he was raped for on this Friday's check AND he worked a shitload of tens last week. So yay. We'll be MORE than okay on Friday.
I just want it to be Friday, already. I just wanna effing relax and do a little shopping. Gah.